social spark Aisling Beatha: Crying

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Crying

Yes, I've been crying!
It's something I have cried over before, for many reasons, but this time was different, and I am going to try and put into words although I'm not sure that I can clearly, because I don't quite understand it myself, although I KNOW that this was different.

Some of my gorgeous friends on Women at Home met up the other day. They spent time together, in fellowship, having fun, them and their children. They shared photos over on the board, and I cried. Why did this make me cry?

I want to meet some of these ladies, I want to spend time with them, get to know them, have fun with them in a way that just is not possible online, especially not when we are also separated my time zones and well as miles. I've wanted to meet some of them for a long time, almost as long as I've known them, and at times before it has made me cry. Those were usually times that I was particularly struggling with relationships in real life, female friendship in particular, and those tears and that wanting to visit was out of a kind of desperation, or a "that will fix this for me" mentality. Or it has come when we have been more face to face with out financial struggles than we usually are, and that makes a visit to America impossible, so there has been desperation about that in my tears. It has even come at a time when I have been struggling with my relationship with God, usually as a consequence of struggling with the other two issues and "WHY would you let us go through this?" thinking.

And this time?
There was none of that. I looked at those photos and what I felt was something different than before. Yes it still made me cry, yes I still want to go meet them, but this wasn't out of desperation, this wasn't out of anger at something I don't have here, this was plain and simple a heart longing. I don't know how else to describe it, and I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me.

I don't know what that means, it feeling so different, but I know the enemy doesn't like it. How do I know? Well this morning, once again I was faced with my struggles for female relationship in real life, once again, thrown in my face by the enemy, and I cried about that today. BUT the fact that I am crying about that today still doesn't make the feelings I have about meeting some of these online friends have that bitterness and pain attached to it. So there you go, that's me today.

2 comments:

  1. (((Zoe)))

    Remember that I have a buddy pass available if you are willing to fly standby and get bumped a few times.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (((Zoe)))


    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
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