social spark Aisling Beatha: Your Wound - BLOGATHON 2007 Post 15


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Sunday, July 29, 2007

Your Wound - BLOGATHON 2007 Post 15

Gosh, I wrote this piece a couple of years ago now, when a group of us were working through "captivating". I still have to read it again!

I am currently involved in a study at church with a small group of women. We are working through some seminar cd's from a conference run by Stasi Eldredge, joint author of
Captivating : Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
And another lady whose name eludes me right now.
The details of the conference can be found at
Ransomed Heart
The last session was a tough one. Facing our wound. Facing the place in our lives at which the enemy attacks in order to make us question that which makes us most deeply feminine. It may be something that was done to us it may be something we did, it may be something that just happened.
Some of us might know immediately what that is, some of us may have no idea.
We were challenged to go to God with our journals in hand and make a courageous choice, to ask Him "What is the place of my wound?" To ask Him "Where have I known shame?"
I had a pretty good idea of what mine would be and of where this would take me, but I wasn't certain, but the images of places involved in that, that I had long forgotten made it so clear that I was correct. Thinking over this event and the events surrounding it doesn't fill me with the fear it once did.
We were asked to consider where and how we had chosen to hide as result of this wound or others.
First and foremost I hid by forgetting! Truly, I forgot the incident had even taken place until last year when praying through some things with a friend. At the time I was promised that the person involved would be dealt with but I had to promise never to speak of it again, and I didn't, my child's mind made it go away, made it to me as if it had never happened.
But I had to admit in my journaling that I also had hidden over the years behind my weight. I have subconsciously, and, at times, consciously hidden my femininity behind layers of fat. Yes, I HAVE hidden! I have buried my femininity behind 'fat lady's clothes', behind not caring about my appearance, behind "If I look like this, no one will look at me, no one will see me". Behind the idea that fat is not attractive, fat is not feminine. (If you are struggling with your weight or are fat and happy, BTW that is NOT true, it is a LIE I was hiding behind.)
But this, even this, was not the most deeply moving part of my journaling from this session.
A harder question to answer, although still not the hardest was, oh and it is hard to write about it now, hard to think on it. "What desires have I jettisoned along the way?" What dreams have I pushed aside, ignored, refused to even acknowledge because the enemy had me convinced in the shame of that and other events? Not that I was conscious that the shame was why I was jettisoning them, Oh No, I had very good reasons, at the time.
I sat and I struggled, I said I couldn't answer it, said I didn't know, and then suddenly, There it was. The thought just came as if from nowhere, TEACHING! I had pushed out of my life, fought against, the desire, the call, the longing to teach. And just writing it down on the page was a BIG step for me. Typing it now, reading it over, is a moving experience.
But the hardest question of them all was this:
"What is so ALIVE and UNIQUE in me that if the enemy can stop it in me, the kingdom will do without it?"
WOW! Ladies, this is why I am writing this piece, this is why I had to sit at this computer and get this done.
What is so alive and unique in YOU that if the enemy can stop it in you, the kingdom will do without it?
We are not used to thinking of ourselves as special, or as talented. We LEARN mediocrity, we learn that to be special is to stand out and all that comes from standing out. We're even taught that it is bad to think of ourselves more highly than others, while at the same time being taught by these same people to achieve, to do our best, to win in life.
Is it any wonder we are confused when it comes to this question? Is it any wonder that many of us keep that wound shut away and our femininity with it?
Friends, hear me when I say, "I understand." I know those feelings of mediocrity that the enemy tries to keep us convinced in. I know that feeling of needing to put yourself down when someone compliments something about you or something you have done. I Know it so well.
But let me say as gently as I can.
You are beautiful, you are powerful, you are deeply feminine. YOU are a princess in the kingdom, you are more, far more than you have ever been able to imagine. And yes, you are those things because of God, but that doesn't stop you being them. YOU ARE!
So, what is it about me? I'm not sure I can put that into words quite yet. But I am sure that God put me on this earth, at this time, in this place for a reason, because there is something I can do, that no one else can do, there are people I can reach that no one else can reach in just the same way. That IS the same for you. God believes in you, I believe in you.
Find out what it is, don't let the enemy win, I don't want to miss out on what you have to give.

Oh, in case you're interested, I MIGHT be taking a WHOLE Sunday service, other than the worship, and doing it all about Christmas Child.

Oh and if TAM is reading, yes you are now allowed to say "I told you so".

1 comment:

  1. Jamie1:54 pm

    Good morning from North East Florida! Zoe, yesterday we had both a funeral and our church the time we were home at 10p I was too exhausted to stay up with you via blog. What time is it at your latest posting?

    I'm in the obese category, and I will tell you that I have semi understood or related to what you've posted here. I don't think that I ever hid my feminitiy behind my weight, but I will confess that I find it much more difficult to actually feel feminine, in the sense that one would feel attractive/pretty about themselves. I've been fortunate to budget for clothes and indulge in makeup and trinkets...and I do receive comments on my looks (and I mentally add, "yea, for a fat lady you mean." The older I get the harder it is to correct and keep off (work off) the weight. It's more work now, than if I had handled the real physical and tangible issues that helped me to keep the weight on. The trick is not to be so accepting and so comfortable and end up setteling for the unhealthy.

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